To Everything There is a Season

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And is the most I've ever put myself out there, naked and able to be judged. I am opening myself up to strangers so that I can move forward. I know that I have been mia from this blog for the past months but with reasons that were not of my own wish.

I now begin a new season in my life.

In March, out of the air to me, Kevin made the decision that he no longer wanted to be in our relationship/engagement. I was left in complete and utter shock. Feelings of disappointment, shame, embarrassment, loss, fear, anxiety, and complete heartache overwhelmed me. I felt as if my life was a sham. That my happiness not real.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who I will become.

I've never experienced such pain and desperation. For a week I cried and held onto my dog as if he was my life raft. After, I tried to surround myself with friends, and talking to family over the phone (since they are not here). I redecorated my half empty house, and walked my dog daily to twice daily. I began to paint more. Anything to try to occupy myself. But mainly I sat and watched netflix, too tired to move or cry and trying not to think. I felt like I was in a bad dream, yelling to wake up. After a couple weeks, everything fell apart. The realization of the end of 5 years was too much. I did nothing, I couldn't move, I cried every hour... But with support I started to pull myself up again. I can't believe what amazing friends I have. I am so lucky to have people around the city, country and world sending me their love. Even with that it still hurts everyday.

But I am now able to hold up my head even with the pain. There are worse days, but there are also better days. As the day gets longer minute by minute, I am experiencing a minute more of happiness each day. Some are better then the others.

So with the season getting warmer and brighter I walk into another season of my life. I am in the middle of my 20's and hope the next half decade will be all Lauren. I can't look at the first half with anger, but that first half wasn't about me, it was about me and Kevin. And even though I loved it sooo much I have to move forward into the next chapter. I have missed the community and support of this world and would like to jump into it again. But it has been taking a bit of time for me to even feel like dressing up. For so long I looked to Kevin for support on my clothes, art, life... It's hard to dress for myself and do anything without the support of him. But I need to learn to do what I want to do, and what's good for me. And I don't want to give this blog up. I know it seems like this blog is trivial but I have found presenting myself well makes me feel a little bit more put together. I do want to inject this blog with more of me. And even though I don't know who that is yet, I will learn.

So I have to say that I am sorry for missing out on you girl's wonderful lives, and seemingly flaking out on things I had promised. I've missed you all. I've been afraid of writing this, because it is making everything real.

I don't know where I will go from here. But I'd love for you to come along with me into this new season.

Huggles and Love,
Lauren

If you'd like to talk I'm around on gchat or email sparrowandurchin@gmail.com

12 comments:

Nicole | May 16, 2011 at 12:26 PM

I think I've said my piece via twitter, but here's more <3 <3 <3 <3 !!! :)

Midwest Mayhem | May 16, 2011 at 1:22 PM

Glad to have you back! Like I said, I know this is really difficult for you, but I think it's a big step forward.

Annebeth | May 16, 2011 at 1:52 PM

I've been checking out your blog to see if you were back, I'm glad to see you are, but I'm really sorry about the news :( I don't know what I'd do if my boyfriend would break up with me, I would just.. Collapse, probably. Stay strong. You will get through this, even if it feels like too much to carry right now. Life can be hard and it can suck, but you will live through this and there is more wonderful life ahead of you. If you need support, I'm here.

Allyson | May 16, 2011 at 2:01 PM

YOu are amazing and will always be amazing on your own...without anyone and with everyone you are amazing.

Jennifer | May 16, 2011 at 4:15 PM

Hi Lauren, I don't know you--I just follow your blog--but I know I'm happy to see you back. I hope the blogger community helps by scooping you into it's arms.

<3 Jenny

Victoria / Justice Pirate | May 16, 2011 at 7:01 PM

I was missing you a lot but thought you were gone because of planning, but in a case like this it is completely understandable to be away and what a very very very rough thing to go through especially being so close to the goal made in your relationship. Although the heartache is filled with emptiness and sadness, as you have had it ripped from your body, It is good that you have been able to try to stand up and move forward. it will take a long time and many new changes will happen in your life. I am truly sad and upset for this situation you have had to go through. I think the scripture you used is perfect (although I am sure you meant to post the song instead). I don't think you should "stay strong" because you have to go through this time of mourning and loss and it is going to be hard. Just do what you can as well as you can do it. You'll be pondering and reviewing on a regular basis, and that's okay. cry as often as you can. It can be a good outlet even though it will make your eyes puffy and feel annoying. You are an amazing woman and make sure that you don't beat yourself up for something that really had nothing to do with YOU but had everything to do with Kevin's choice of not being able to grow with you and have you as a part of his life. He is missing out on a beautiful adventure and it is quite a pity that he backed out and didn't try to live in that great adventure. May your paintings be filled with beauty even though your heart seems to be filled with anger, sadness, and rejection. For you are not so easily destroyed. Afterall, you are MOYER THE DESTROYER!!!

jesse.anne.o | May 17, 2011 at 10:53 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Breakups are inexplicably horrible and there is just no way to convey how horrid they actually are to others when you're going through it. Something I sometimes think about is how many breakups I've suffered through, how I think of them now (necessary, inevitable and a learning lesson) and how I feel about them now (usually pretty good - whether I was the one who decided to end it or they were). But time takes time. So here's to hoping you can see you'll get to that point sooner or later!

summertime dreams | May 20, 2011 at 2:46 PM

Glad to hear you're still out there!!
This is no doubt a difficult time, but damn girl you are a strong woman and you will pull through. Onward an upward!
You do such a great job at self expression through every facet of your life that you share on here. You will find who you are, and you will rock it along the way. I would love to share the journey with you on here, keep on keepin' on.

There's a reason why you're here, and there's a reason why it's now.

Tess Malone | May 22, 2011 at 5:19 PM

Hello Lauren, I know you got an email from me recently but I thought I would chip in here too. You're a strong woman for sharing something so devastatingly personal with the blogosphere so thank you for being so open and honest with everyone. I cannot imagine losing the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. This is no fault of your own though, remember that. Yes, it's normal to have feelings of self doubt, confusion, loss, and utter pain, but please please do NOT beat yourself up over that. This was clearly Kevin's problem and one day he will regret losing a woman as intelligent, witty, talented, creative, and beautiful as you. Remember to focus on these qualities that you always had before you even met Kevin. I'm sure he helped you grow and turn into the person you are today, but you haven't stopped growing and you can finally have the opportunity to grow into yourself- the full force of nature you are and deserve to realize. Yes, it will be lonely and if you need to cry then do. Sometimes it is best to just get it all out there. Don't deny yourself the right to feel something and take it slowly. Don't be alarmed if things go slower than you hoped. This is a rough period regardless but you will triumph like a phoenix through the ashes. You have that soul and fire in you and I'm confident it will return. Looking forward to your email, hope you got the fb message to send it to my new account.

Melissa | June 7, 2011 at 3:04 PM

Sorry, dear.

That's really rough, but I'm glad you went through that really difficult stage, and now on to the healing! If it makes you feel any better, I wondered what happened to you! I think using blogging as a way to get back into the swing of things is a really good idea :) We tend to be a supportive bunch, and hopefully we can make you smile!

xxMelissa

barefootandvintage | June 9, 2011 at 9:39 AM

wait...what?! i missed this...i am in shock. and i'm sorry to bring it up, but i just perused all of your posts to find out what happened. i am so so sorry, lauren. i am sorry for the pain you went through; however, it sounds likes you've done a tremendous amount of healing since then. you appear to be such a strong woman. i wish you the best. just keep smiling, lady. :)

Eclectic Flair | June 9, 2011 at 10:29 AM

I truly hope you are doing better, Lauren. I know it takes a long time to heal, there are good days and then there are horrible days when it feels like the pain will never leave but we have to hang in there. Eventually the wounds will heal and the scars will fade... at east that's what I keep telling myself. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I can relate as I'm dealing with a broken heart too (4.5 year relationship). I wasn't sure if I should blog about it since it seems like every single blogger is happily married (or in a great relationship) and blogs about how perfect life is. But I wanted to be real so I briefly wrote about it. It was too painful to write details or anything lengthy but just know you are not alone. Sending hugs your way!

Lidi @ Eclectic Flair