To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And is the most I've ever put myself out there, naked and able to be judged. I am opening myself up to strangers so that I can move forward. I know that I have been mia from this blog for the past months but with reasons that were not of my own wish.
I now begin a new season in my life.
In March, out of the air to me, Kevin made the decision that he no longer wanted to be in our relationship/engagement. I was left in complete and utter shock. Feelings of disappointment, shame, embarrassment, loss, fear, anxiety, and complete heartache overwhelmed me. I felt as if my life was a sham. That my happiness not real.
I don't know who I am. I don't know who I will become.
I've never experienced such pain and desperation. For a week I cried and held onto my dog as if he was my life raft. After, I tried to surround myself with friends, and talking to family over the phone (since they are not here). I redecorated my half empty house, and walked my dog daily to twice daily. I began to paint more. Anything to try to occupy myself. But mainly I sat and watched netflix, too tired to move or cry and trying not to think. I felt like I was in a bad dream, yelling to wake up. After a couple weeks, everything fell apart. The realization of the end of 5 years was too much. I did nothing, I couldn't move, I cried every hour... But with support I started to pull myself up again. I can't believe what amazing friends I have. I am so lucky to have people around the city, country and world sending me their love. Even with that it still hurts everyday.
But I am now able to hold up my head even with the pain. There are worse days, but there are also better days. As the day gets longer minute by minute, I am experiencing a minute more of happiness each day. Some are better then the others.
So with the season getting warmer and brighter I walk into another season of my life. I am in the middle of my 20's and hope the next half decade will be all Lauren. I can't look at the first half with anger, but that first half wasn't about me, it was about me and Kevin. And even though I loved it sooo much I have to move forward into the next chapter. I have missed the community and support of this world and would like to jump into it again. But it has been taking a bit of time for me to even feel like dressing up. For so long I looked to Kevin for support on my clothes, art, life... It's hard to dress for myself and do anything without the support of him. But I need to learn to do what I want to do, and what's good for me. And I don't want to give this blog up. I know it seems like this blog is trivial but I have found presenting myself well makes me feel a little bit more put together. I do want to inject this blog with more of me. And even though I don't know who that is yet, I will learn.
So I have to say that I am sorry for missing out on you girl's wonderful lives, and seemingly flaking out on things I had promised. I've missed you all. I've been afraid of writing this, because it is making everything real.
I don't know where I will go from here. But I'd love for you to come along with me into this new season.
Huggles and Love,
Lauren
