Out of Place

So now for a Wednesday Humpday Rant, I'm sorry about this whiny post but sometimes we all need to vent, and I've tried keeping it all off this little outlet, but hey we all need each other sometimes.

I guess this rant started in my head this morning walking into to work just to find Ants. All over. Marching down the hallway of the gallery. And with the frustration of being by myself (my boss was on a delivery) and having to kill all the ants and clean them up, brought on my own Ants. Automatic Negative Thoughts. I usually only allow myself self pity in the shower and when I get out I take a breath and start a new day. But it seems these ants have been creeping into my head for the past couple weeks, and the literal ants just brought my frustration to a head.

I started this blog because I really like blogging (remember those livejournal days?) and my art blog wasn't being updated much, I haven't been very productive. And I saw this as a way to push myself to try harder when it came to what I wear and how I feel about myself. I love clothes but always found it easier to roll out of bed and throw on some jeans and a tee, and in the midwest that look is totally acceptable. If you wear heels, gasp, what's the occasion? In other cities mainly the east and west coast people wear nice clothes and heels all the time but it seems between the two mountains heels are not a norm. I often at times feel silly dressing up and feel completely out of place. I don't feel that my style looks effortless or that I don't give off a cool, chic personality. I've thought in the past, oh it's because my hair is blond, I don't look tough and artsy; or oh my body shape is wrong, clothes don't look good on me; or I don't have an outgoing personality. But meeting so many people through this little blog taught me that yep we all feel that way. Now the only problem is how do we NOT feel that way.

I have now started to find myself comparing myself to girls on lookbook and chictopia who are ten years younger than me and oh so chic looking. Oh i want to be them! But I have to remember that I am buying my own clothes and working for myself, and in the art industry you don't have much money to spend. My style may not be crazy and swoon inducing but it is practical and comfortable, which is what I need. I do have a few pieces in my wardrobe that are splurges, namely my Frye riding boots, but those are few. Even looking in my closet is a sad sight, Kevin and I share a closet and in addition I have two drawers of clothes. I really don't have many clothes at all. I'm pretty good at getting rid of old stuff. Seeing the endless amounts of clothes some girls have makes me feel even more unworthy.

So I really don't know what this post is really about, I guess it is that I feel like I've hit a brick wall when it comes to my clothes, my art, my career... but I know that feeling is also because I am so overwhelmed with my life right now. I did end one of my jobs and so I only work 1 full time job now. I'm feeling more and more under appreciated and more self conscious. I have to get together an art show for the beginning of September and I really haven't started painting anything new. I wanted to take the GRE this summer so I could start applying for grad schools in the fall. I planned on running more this summer, I even did a 5k in the spring, but alas I haven't run anymore, which makes me feel more unaccomplished. I have been able to loose some weight since graduating but it's so hard when your partner is in love with working out and healthy food... and is naturally a twig. And to make everything worse the weather is so miserable, just rain and clouds and humid heat.

I'm so overwhelmed it makes me feel like crying, but I guess the moral of the story is I have to keep pushing myself. Even when I feel like this blog is pointless I have to remember the friends I have made through it. I adore Sara, she's one of my closest friends now, and the support I received from Maria of lululetty for my giveaway was amazing, and we had only met once. I'm finding more girls from my hometown and my current town that I get along with so well and have so much in common.

SO I guess I just have to keep going, just keep going.

I wish I could go back to this photo when Kev and I were driving across the country, I had just graduated and we both had dreams in our heads and stars in our eyes. Damn economy and Damn Detroit for stealing those away from me, I want them back. Now I just need to scramble out of this hole of self pity and smile at the sun outside.

End mindless typing of feelings. Thanks for listening. Now listen to this amazing Wagner... oh I miss playing classical music


Sara Lynn | July 21, 2010 at 11:37 AM

Dude it was like reading my own rant! Basically we all feel like this at times. Life is realyl hard and i am starting to feel like an awkward teen all over again.

I wish I had some advice or something. But, alas, I have no clue.

Anyways, I wil see you later today.

Alyson | July 21, 2010 at 12:28 PM

You are not alone in your feelings. As much as I try and look like I have it all together, I really don't. I'm a chronic dreamer who has basically never had to take a risk in her life.

This is your blog. It should be about you! It can be terribly frustrating when you see all these girls prancing around in their knee socks and cardigans and pretty things and then you look at your closet and realize that you are so fed up with it. Just be you, though. Wear what you LOVE and if its not something some 14 year old would wear on chictopia then eff 'em! People read your blog to see you... I think that's more important. Instead of seeing just pictures, the beauty of fashion blogging is getting to see the actual person, not just the clothes. Just keep pushing through it and take time to just exhale.

Jill | July 21, 2010 at 2:07 PM

i think both sara and alyson made great points. i totally understand sometime you just get in a rut, workout, art, job, clothes, etc. its so hard to stay happy and keep moving some days but you got to find the little moments like laughing over something stupid you did other wise its all so overwhelming. i think you blog is pretty awesome, and you seem pretty awesome. thats what i got.

Christy | July 21, 2010 at 8:28 PM

I've been reading life/style blogs for quite a while, and in all that time, I've never related to a post quite as much as I have to this one. I am constantly comparing myself to other bloggers, who seem to be as creative with their outfits as their closets are endless. Plus, I can't help but feel disappointed with my outfit photos; either I'm not pretty enough, my poses aren't interesting enough, or my photography isn't good enough.

All I can say to you is that I find your blog incredibly inspiring. Not only are you a brilliant artist, you put together outfits that I feel could work for me. Besides, if your blog is any indication, you seem like the sort of person I'd want to meet with for coffee! haha.

As for feeling stuck, I think anyone who is in an artistic field has felt that way. Right now I'm starting grad school for English Lit, and though I always thought I wanted to be a college professor, I'm not sure anymore. I wonder sometimes if I should have gone out on a limb and tried to make a career out of my degree in modern dance... It's so hard to say. Sometimes I wish I could look into the future just for a moment to see if everything turns out okay.

I'm not quite sure what I'm getting at with this comment, and I'm sorry for writing a book! I guess I just wanted to let you know that I'm a big fan and that I believe in you. Keep writing and keep plugging away, if only to please greedy little me. ;)

Kevin Dunn | July 22, 2010 at 10:02 AM

"When faced with a brick wall, try to be more like Kitty Pryde. It works for me every time." -Stan Lee