I guess this rant started in my head this morning walking into to work just to find Ants. All over. Marching down the hallway of the gallery. And with the frustration of being by myself (my boss was on a delivery) and having to kill all the ants and clean them up, brought on my own Ants. Automatic Negative Thoughts. I usually only allow myself self pity in the shower and when I get out I take a breath and start a new day. But it seems these ants have been creeping into my head for the past couple weeks, and the literal ants just brought my frustration to a head.
I started this blog because I really like blogging (remember those livejournal days?) and my art blog wasn't being updated much, I haven't been very productive. And I saw this as a way to push myself to try harder when it came to what I wear and how I feel about myself. I love clothes but always found it easier to roll out of bed and throw on some jeans and a tee, and in the midwest that look is totally acceptable. If you wear heels, gasp, what's the occasion? In other cities mainly the east and west coast people wear nice clothes and heels all the time but it seems between the two mountains heels are not a norm. I often at times feel silly dressing up and feel completely out of place. I don't feel that my style looks effortless or that I don't give off a cool, chic personality. I've thought in the past, oh it's because my hair is blond, I don't look tough and artsy; or oh my body shape is wrong, clothes don't look good on me; or I don't have an outgoing personality. But meeting so many people through this little blog taught me that yep we all feel that way. Now the only problem is how do we NOT feel that way.
I have now started to find myself comparing myself to girls on lookbook and chictopia who are ten years younger than me and oh so chic looking. Oh i want to be them! But I have to remember that I am buying my own clothes and working for myself, and in the art industry you don't have much money to spend. My style may not be crazy and swoon inducing but it is practical and comfortable, which is what I need. I do have a few pieces in my wardrobe that are splurges, namely my Frye riding boots, but those are few. Even looking in my closet is a sad sight, Kevin and I share a closet and in addition I have two drawers of clothes. I really don't have many clothes at all. I'm pretty good at getting rid of old stuff. Seeing the endless amounts of clothes some girls have makes me feel even more unworthy.
So I really don't know what this post is really about, I guess it is that I feel like I've hit a brick wall when it comes to my clothes, my art, my career... but I know that feeling is also because I am so overwhelmed with my life right now. I did end one of my jobs and so I only work 1 full time job now. I'm feeling more and more under appreciated and more self conscious. I have to get together an art show for the beginning of September and I really haven't started painting anything new. I wanted to take the GRE this summer so I could start applying for grad schools in the fall. I planned on running more this summer, I even did a 5k in the spring, but alas I haven't run anymore, which makes me feel more unaccomplished. I have been able to loose some weight since graduating but it's so hard when your partner is in love with working out and healthy food... and is naturally a twig. And to make everything worse the weather is so miserable, just rain and clouds and humid heat.
I'm so overwhelmed it makes me feel like crying, but I guess the moral of the story is I have to keep pushing myself. Even when I feel like this blog is pointless I have to remember the friends I have made through it. I adore Sara, she's one of my closest friends now, and the support I received from Maria of lululetty for my giveaway was amazing, and we had only met once. I'm finding more girls from my hometown and my current town that I get along with so well and have so much in common.
SO I guess I just have to keep going, just keep going.
I wish I could go back to this photo when Kev and I were driving across the country, I had just graduated and we both had dreams in our heads and stars in our eyes. Damn economy and Damn Detroit for stealing those away from me, I want them back. Now I just need to scramble out of this hole of self pity and smile at the sun outside.
End mindless typing of feelings. Thanks for listening. Now listen to this amazing Wagner... oh I miss playing classical music